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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise 5-4 ruling, the United States Supreme Court has struck down the nation’s constitution, seizing full control of the government.
In the majority opinion, former chief justice and now Grand Poobah John Roberts wrote that “Since everybody thinks the court has gone crazy out of control with the recent Affordable Care Act and same-sex marriage rulings, the majority of the court feels as if we should show the public what crazy out of control really looks like.”
Grand Poobah Roberts and the other four judges in the majority opinion will form a new governing council called The Supremes, whose first act was to arrest the four opposing judges as well as all elected and appointed officials from the other two branches of our former government.
“We won’t keep them locked up for forever,” said Grand Poobah Roberts. “Just until we’ve sufficiently solidified our power and feel more comfortable in our roles. We just don’t want them making trouble while we’re establishing ourselves.”
When asked about changes that are being planned. Grand Poobah Roberts was rather vague.
“We’re toying around with a few ideas,” he said. “We’re not planning to do anything too outrageous at first, just so the people can get used to their new overlords.”
Grand Poobah Roberts went on to say that the only change he was going to make for now was to make same-sex marriage mandatory.
“We haven’t decided on a punishment for those that won’t comply,” said Grand Poobah Roberts. “Everything’s on the table for now, though.”
When asked about the reasoning behind the mandate, Grand Poobah Roberts said “We just want everybody to experience what same-sex marriage is like for a while. We’ll probably lift the mandate after a few years.”
Reaction among most of the country was mixed, but the nation’s academics were fascinated by the mandate.
“It’s a really interesting social experiment,” said Dudley Grabbington, associate professor of sociology at Harvard. “It will be really interesting to see how many people stick with the same-sex marriages after the mandate is lifted.”
Reactions from the nation’s political establishment was mixed as well.
“It’s certainly an unprecedented step,” said RNC spokesman Brad Ciegler. “”"It goes against everything we believe in, and I fear for our future.”
Shortly after making his remarks, Ciegler was arrested and sent to a camp for political retraining.
“I, for one, welcome our new supreme overlords,” said DNC spokeswoman Constance Pattinson after hearing of Ciegler’s arrest. “As unelected officials, they will bring a new perspective to governance that we’ve never experienced before. I’m really excited about it.”