Thursday, November 29, 2007

Texas UIL announces steroids testing rules, student-athletes react

(Another fine mediocre JRT parody)

AUSTIN (JRT) - The University Interscholastic League yesterday released it's proposal for steroids testing procedures for high school sports. The sanctioning body of Texas high school sports is seeking comments on the program.

Highlights of the program include random testing of about 3% of high school athletes, will not screen for illegal drugs, and will allow parents to witness the testing procedure.

Under the program, a first positive would bench an athlete for a month and require a positive test before they could be reinstated. A second positive would ban them for a year and a third would result in a permanent ban.

"We think it'll be a reasonable deterrent." said Seamour Eisenman, UIL spokesperson. "But we'll see what the public thinks and make changes from there."

High school athletes we talked to about the program had mixed comments.

" I think I'll stick to the 'roids "

"Wow, they're only going to test three percent of us," said Arlen High School junior Joey Holts, third-string quarterback of the school's junior varsity football team. "Obviously the odds of getting caught are slim, so I think I'll stick to the 'roids. Maybe I'll be able to move up to second on the depth chart next season with them."

Kenton Berry, the starting center on Arlen High's varsity basketball squad, had a very different reaction.

"I've never touched steroids," said Berry. "I've always been afraid of my [testicles] shriveling up like raisins. The star basketball player can't have that! At least I won't have to give up all the yeyo I've been doing."

It should be noted that not all athletes are thrilled with the program. Tennis player Grace Alcocke thinks that the program doesn't go far enough.

"[The proposal is] weaker than wet toilet paper," said Alcocke. "The odds of being caught are next to none and the punishment is too weak. You have to sit out longer if you fail a class than if you test positive."

Those wishing to comment on the program are welcome to send their comments to The comments are open for about two weeks.

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