The Phoenix Zoo is doing it wrong (not really)

Look at the Phoenix Zoo, caging the people and letting the animals run free!

No, not really, but the picture sure makes it look that way, doesn’t it?

You stay classy, left! Or: Why I moderate comments

So I woke up this morning to a pending comment (from someone named Anonymous) about that recent post about my trip to Pei-Wei.

Just one question, did you burn the cross before or after your meal ?

Wow, really, we’re jumping to not just the racism thing, but the KKK. Why am I not surprised?

Though I guess I should clarify the whole KKK thing. Yes, when I was five years old, I did go for Halloween as a ghost. I don’t remember what the costume looked like myself, but I am told that I did kind of look like a member of the KKK, without the swastikas and pointy hood. But it’s not like that counts, right?

Also, it’s true that some of the family on my mom’s side are members of the KKK and probably have burned crosses in the past. It should be noted, though, that I haven’t even been around any of them in close to ten years.

But the main reason I didn’t burn a cross was two-fold: First, at 107 degrees, I figured it was hot enough outside without something burning. Secondly, the Phoenix area had, at that point, gone a little over a month without any rain and I didn’t want to take any chances of burning anything else down, because that’s just irresponsible.

I should probably note that the last paragraph was laced with sarcasm, since people seem to never understand that sort of thing.

On a serious note, anybody who *really* knows me and didn’t just stumble across a blog post of mine while doing a Google search for “pei-wei manager fired” would know that I’m anything but a racist, cross-burning idiot.

And that’s where I’m leaving it.

Conserving water 101

We’ve been asked to cut back on non-essential water use by 30%.

This is the first time I can remember that we’ve been asked to do this. We probably have before, but I just didn’t notice it.

Anyway, here are a few simple tips for people who are unfamiliar with how to conserve water:

• Don’t wash your car daily. Washing your car daily uses up tons of water and makes people (like myself) who can’t remember the last time they washed their car look bad. You don’t want to make me look bad, do you?
• Don’t run your sprinkler system every day. Sure, your yard might not look as good as you’d like, but it won’t be any worse than that neighbor of yours that never does anything to his yard either.
• Drink less water. You may wonder how you can manage to drink less water, but it’s actually quite easy to do. When you find yourself wanting a tall glass of water after you get home from work, have a beer instead. Not only will you be conserving water, but you’ll get drunk, which will make you feel better… at least until the next morning.
• Shower five times a week instead of daily. I’m sure there’s a couple days on your weekly calendar where you could get by without one. Do so. If somebody says something to you about it, just point out that you were trying to conserve water. You’ll still stink, but at least you look like you care.
• Oh, wait, scratch that last one. You might be confused for a hippie and get punched in the face.
• On a related note, don’t let naked PETA protestors shower on the sidewalk in your town. She was doing it to make some point about conserving water somehow, but I forget what it is.

Now you can go save enough water to fill up any lake out there!

Obama not aiming high enough

Obama's convention speech at Invesco Field sounds impressive, but I was thinking about it the other day and I realized that he's not aiming high enough.

Obama's Fainting Ladies

Seeing him speak seems to really affect people. If you don't believe me, just watch the video to the right.

Sometimes I get the feeling that Obama's supporters aren't merely supporting a candidate, but that it's something closer to a religion.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that.

I just figure that, since it's like that, maybe he needs a grander stage. After all, shouldn't his acceptance speech be something as epic as the following that he has?

I've been to Denver. Denver itself is flat as a pancake, but the mountains aren't far to the west.

I think that the man that, according to Nancy Pelosi, is "a leader that God has blessed us with at this time" should have a much grander stage than Invesco Field for ObamaMania. You know, something of biblical proportions:

The Second Sermon on the Mount

That's a truly biblical scene, appropriate for a candidate of his stature.

After the speech, maybe he can feed all the people there with five loaves of bread and two fish.

Technorati Tags: Politics,Barack Obama,Democratic National Convention,Sermon on the Mount,Invesco Field

"Client 9" was a stinker in bedA guest column by Kristen

(Another fine mediocre pretty damn lame JRT parody)

Hi, I'm Kristen, and I serviced the now famous "client 9."

"	The true crime here is not that he hired me, but that the experience was so horrendous!	"

Yes, that's right. I'm a call girl. And I'm not ashamed. Why should I be? The money's great and I enjoy the sex and the traveling.

Well, I usually enjoy the sex.

Just not with him.

The media reports say that the encounter lasted a few hours, but it was truthfully only about a minute.

It was TERRIBLE!

Worst client I've ever had.

The true crime here is not that he hired me, but that the experience was so horrendous!

I mean, I've serviced a lot of famous and/or powerful people in the past with my job and it hasn't bothered me a bit. If a list of the people I've serviced in the past were to ever come out then you'd probably see a fourth of our government resign in disgrace.

You know, all the guys up in DC here, away from their families and wives, they get lonely and/or horny.

I don't see anything wrong with it. After all, it's my body and I should be able to do what I want with it!

Kristen, a former employee of the Emperors Club VIP call-girl service, is currently seeking employment with another service. Don't bother trying to contact her, she'll contact you.

Texas UIL announces steroids testing rules, student-athletes react

(Another fine mediocre JRT parody)

AUSTIN (JRT) - The University Interscholastic League yesterday released it's proposal for steroids testing procedures for high school sports. The sanctioning body of Texas high school sports is seeking comments on the program.

Highlights of the program include random testing of about 3% of high school athletes, will not screen for illegal drugs, and will allow parents to witness the testing procedure.

Under the program, a first positive would bench an athlete for a month and require a positive test before they could be reinstated. A second positive would ban them for a year and a third would result in a permanent ban.

"We think it'll be a reasonable deterrent." said Seamour Eisenman, UIL spokesperson. "But we'll see what the public thinks and make changes from there."

High school athletes we talked to about the program had mixed comments.

"	I think I'll stick to the 'roids	"

"Wow, they're only going to test three percent of us," said Arlen High School junior Joey Holts, third-string quarterback of the school's junior varsity football team. "Obviously the odds of getting caught are slim, so I think I'll stick to the 'roids. Maybe I'll be able to move up to second on the depth chart next season with them."

Kenton Berry, the starting center on Arlen High's varsity basketball squad, had a very different reaction.

"I've never touched steroids," said Berry. "I've always been afraid of my [testicles] shriveling up like raisins. The star basketball player can't have that! At least I won't have to give up all the yeyo I've been doing."

It should be noted that not all athletes are thrilled with the program. Tennis player Grace Alcocke thinks that the program doesn't go far enough.

"[The proposal is] weaker than wet toilet paper," said Alcocke. "The odds of being caught are next to none and the punishment is too weak. You have to sit out longer if you fail a class than if you test positive."

Those wishing to comment on the program are welcome to send their comments to steroids@mail.uil.utexas.edu. The comments are open for about two weeks.